Anybody familiar with the character Stingy from Lazy Town? Stingy’s favorite quote is, “It's Mine!” This is the character I think of when my girls are fighting over a toy they both claim complete ownership of. Yes, I am referring to sibling rivalry, quick scenario:
- 3 year old takes toy from 1 year old, shouting “that’s mine!”
- 1 year old screams, "mine" simultaneously looking in my direction
- Mommy comes running and takes the toy from the 3 year old, giving it back to the 1 year old stating, “You have to share with your sister!”
After a few re-runs of this episode, I realized my interventions probably were not teaching both children the best lesson. First of all, mommy is not always going to be around to save the day. My girls may start expecting my help and wait for me to come to the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own (I know, I know… a little tricky when dealing with toddlers). There's also the risk I may be inadvertently sending a message to my 3 year old that I am always trying to protect the 1 year old, which may foster even more resentment.
Anger is a part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get upset with one another. However, the key is teaching appropriate responses/reactions to those feelings of anger (again, tricky with toddlers but better to start now). Here are a couple of techniques we have found helpful:
- The “Good Girl” Chart- the girls earn stickers and ultimately a prize for good behavior. It may be natural for parents to ignore children when they are playing nicely together and pay attention when a problem arises. Behaviors that are ignored (go unrewarded) decrease while behaviors which receive attention (are rewarded) increase. The “Good Girl” chart encourages the good behavior.
- The “Rules” Chart- Highlights unacceptable behavior (No Throwing, No Hitting, No Yelling, etc.); make sure the kids understand the consequences if they do not follow the rules. It is wise to only pick your top 3-5 unacceptable rules as opposed to having a ton of small scale, “chew with your mouth close” rules. This teaches children that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate regarding who was "right" or "wrong."
What techniques do you use with your child(ren) to encourage appropriate behavior?
My oldest child(who is 7)loves to tease and actually trip up my youngest child(who is 2). When I leave the room, or when I am busy doing something else. He knows I can not see him. So, of course the 2 year old loves to get him back. This usually comes in the form of throwing a toy at him when he is not looking ,or yelling for me because he is hurt and telling me “Bubbie did it mommy” because he knows “bubbie” will get in trouble. The funny thing is, bubbie actually did not touch him, (this time).
Thanks for the blog topic. There are times I feel like pulling out my hair. Maybe if I try the chart system, things will get easier.
I often feel like moms get stuck with enforcing the rules and being consistent. My 4-year old likes to ask “why” after everything… I start to feel like the bad guy after hearing myself say “Because Mommy says so” a thousand times! I’m not sure if I’m more annoyed with the question, or the answer. Ironically, my Grandmother sends me an article that is related to this very point. It suggests that instead of saying “because I said so or Daddy says so”, you should have a written list of rules you always refer back to, pull them out if you have to and read them straight from the list… Then you can blame the rules and not yourself ;O).
Alicia, you will have to let me know if it helps!
Nicole, “because mommy says so” is the easiest thing to say, however, I try (emphasis on “try”) to explain in a level voice so they can understand and hopefully will not try to argue in the future.
I do not have any children of my own, but I do remember some techniques that my mom used on me and my sister. My sister and I are a little over 4 years apart. If my sister and I started fighting my mom would always first break up the fight and put both of us in time out. After time out we each had to say what we did wrong. When we got older we actually had to write what we did wrong and why it was wrong. (This way she could tie school into it our punishment.) If I did something wrong (i.e. got caught lying, talking back etc) she would make me read a book and write a book report. I would be on punishment until I was finished.
Stephanie,
Great method…I will have to remember having the kids write down what they did wrong and why when they get older. Thanks for sharing!